Guilt

Unfortunately for those that follow this blog, this is where I go to share the feelings and thoughts that I am not ready or able to share with my voice.  My positive and happy moments I wear on my face and use to greet the world. The positive side is all I can voice right now.  Through this entry I am hoping to find some clarity and I hope this release will help me connect deeper with my daughter.

I go through the motions of the daily care for Cara.  Feeding, diapers, comforting, play time, exercises etc… Just like any mother, my heart skips a beat when she smiles, I get that warmth all over when she rubs her face on my chest to cuddle deeper and I laugh at her squeals, giggles and collection of silly and happy noises. A part of my heart is hers.  I would give my life for her without a thought.  I wish on every star that I could take the needles, medication, pain, seizures, therapy, any and all struggles for her. I love her beyond words. But, there is something in the way.  I feel like she is just out of my reach.  I can’t connect with her on a level that I do with Natalie.  This makes me feel something that is a thousand times worse than the constant pain. Guilt.

I see other 9 month old babies and I feel sad. Guilt.  I want to talk about how Cara will dance, play sports, school, college but I don’t. Guilt. I can’t bring myself to pray for my daughter. Guilt. I can’t jump into the feelings of hope. Guilt. I can’t completely open up to my beautiful baby girl because I don’t know how long she will be with me. GUILT.

I want to believe and bury myself in the belief that Cara will live a long life.  I want to have a fire inside fueled with the belief that Cara will out live me and she will beat this.  I see this fire in the eyes of many parents in a similar or worse situation. I want that flame.  I want at least a spark. I want to stop the nightmares.  I don’t want to be haunted by this fear of hearing a life expectancy.  Guilt.

I constantly question if I can do more, if I should be doing more, if there is anything more. I want MORE for Cara. When I sit and interrogate myself I always conclude that I am doing all that I can and that she is in the perfect place. With Dan as her father, Natalie as her sister and me as her mother. Her family. Home.

Why the questioning?

Why the conflicting thoughts?

Why the holding back?

Why the guilt?

Why do I feel this way?

All questions that I know the answers to but don’t have the strength to accept those answers.

The hardest feeling that I have been struggling with for months now is that I can’t pray for Cara.  I can’t even go to church.  I have tried and after a few seconds I break down and I can’t go on. I feel like I have been staying fairly strong but I crack the minute I drop to my knees and my hands come together.  I know why this is happening.  I am not ready to share why I can’t pray, not now anyway.  I am asking for all of you to please pray for her.  Pray for her for me.  Say the prayer that a mother says to save her child. I feel selfish for asking this.  I feel selfish to ask others to pray for me.  I just can’t and Cara needs it.

Guilt.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. Dear Catherine,
    Rest assured that Cara has been in my prayers throughout this whole ordeal, I will continue to keep her there. God has given you the strength to do what is necessary, let all of us take the praying from you.

    Love,
    Liz

  2. Cat,

    I am not sure why you can’t pray and am not sure what the Lord will do here. But I am sure he can give you peace. That is what I hope for you now is peace. Just open up, relinquish your strength and let his peace enter into you.

    Father Jack’s favorite psalm: 132

    LORD, my heart is not proud; nor are my eyes haughty. I do not busy myself with great matters, with things too sublime for me.
    2
    Rather, I have stilled my soul, hushed it like a weaned child. Like a weaned child on its mother’s lap, so is my soul within me.
    3
    Israel, hope in the LORD, now and forever.

  3. Dear Catherine~

    We don’t know each other but I am your neighbor, Cherie’s mom and she has shared with me, CaringforCara. I just wanted you to know that even though it is hard for you to talk to God right now, He has called others to pray on your behalf.
    Through difficult times the assurance from Romans 8:26 has been a comfort to me. Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
    I am sharing your pain but can only imagine what the reality of living with it is like day to day. I am praying that you will find strength, courage and rest in God’s hands.

    take care,
    Dee Johnson

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s