After a stress-filled holiday, Dan and I sat on the couch New Year Eve exhausted, battered and angry. So angry. Angry enough to turn off the phone and go to sleep just to avoid the “Happy New Year!”s. I sat angry that reflecting on the past year brought me close to tears from pain and frustration and I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in 2012. I sat angry that New Years was even a holiday. I sat angry that I just experienced the worst year of my entire life and it is very possible that it could get worse. I sat angry that there is some stupid expectation for me to be “positive” and “strong”. I sat angry that I run around faking positivity and paint a happy face so others don’t worry and feel uncomfortable. Angry that Cara has to endure so much. Angry that I can’t change places with her.
Now that New Years Day has passed I still feel angry, sad, frustrated and stressed but since I’ve sat in it for a few days it feels less intense. I have finally been able to return to the regularly scheduled program with Cara of feedings, therapy sessions, play sessions and consoling. It feels nice to get back into the groove.
I don’t want people to worry about us. We always answer with “alright”, “ok” and “good” when asked how we are doing. Of course we are hurting, frustrated, exhausted and pushing our limits but we are handling it. Dan and I hold onto the thought that whatever we are feeling it is always worse for Cara. We know that these are all emotions that we can handle and we refuse to let it affect how we care for our family and the decisions we need to make. We are gifted with a beautiful little girl and we do what we need to do to love and care for her. It is not a cross that we bear but a blessing. No matter how terrible we feel she is always at every moment a blessing. That is why people should never worry about Dan and I. As long as we have Cara there will always be more smiles than tears. As long as we have each other and our girls there will always be something to look forward to every morning.
2012 pretty much just feels like a continuation of 2011. I think both Dan and I will feel stuck until we finally get some answers and finally get a diagnosis. I have no clue how long that will take. Until then we will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep walking forward. 2011 started with an MRI and ended with a seizure. I don’t think about how 2012 will start or end, I learned my lesson a year a go.